Hi, I’m Ethan. I suffer from PNSPRD, better known as Post-Nintendo Switch Port Removal Depression.
As I’m sure you’re already aware, the Nintendo Switch is the perfect video game console, and in fact, mankind’s greatest achievement. This is a fact; you cannot object to it. Despite this, for some god-forsaken reason, some game developers refuse to bring their games to Switch the instance they release. Because of this, in moments of weakness, I must turn to Steam for games that I can’t find on Switch.
But then, horror of horrors, Nintendo ports a game in my Steam collection to Switch.
This may seem beneficial on the surface, but for my condition, it’s mortifying. Five times now, I’ve bought and played a game on my clearly inferior PC, and then, uh-oh, Nintendo has swooped in and announced a Switch port. Now, what am I supposed to do? Live with my decision, or rather, mistake to play PC games? Pretend that I wouldn’t have enjoyed my games a hundred times more on the supreme video game platform? Frankly, I’m insulted you would even suggest that.
Last summer, I lost all self-will and bought 16 games during one of Steam’s flash sales (to this day, I haven’t finished half of them). Of those games, two that I finished almost immediately were PlayDead’s Limbo and Inside. Short review: they’re great. I didn’t regret my purchase one bit – at first. But then, a month after I finished both games, Big Brother Nintendo had to come along and put them on Switch. And that’s when the storm began.
All of a sudden, every moment of joy I derived from both games was instantly crushed into a miserable pile of dust. I wallowed in pity and self-doubt, wandering my house with a crazed look in my eyes. I repeated only the same five words for weeks on end “Limbo and Inside on Switch.” It was a living hell on earth.
The Dead Bring Misery
And the torture didn’t stop. Double Fine increased my disappointment and pain by putting Grim Fandango on Switch. I struggled through this entire point-and-click adventure on PC. Maybe I struggled because the game wasn’t designed for keyboard and mouse, or maybe because the puzzle design is ridiculously frustrating – I’ll let you decide. Point is, I could have played it on the best platform known to man. If I had only known!
The rabbit hole continues. Food, water, oxygen, and Metroidvanias are the four pillars of my existence, and Guacamelee is one of my favorites in the last category. Or rather, it was – Drinkbox Studios nearly brought me into a tremor-induced coma by porting the stupid game to the Switch. I used to have such fond memories journeying through the Mexiverse with my little brother. I have now disowned that brother – the trauma was too much.
But it only gets worse. Recently, Capcom announced that Resident Evil 4, the massively influential action game, would be coming to Switch. I slipped further into depression. My Steam RE4 play timer showed 15 hours of utterly wasted time. I could have been buying rocket launchers from that freaky merchant on my toilet, which I can only imagine would be a life-altering experience.
Living with PSPRD is frightening. I’m scared to buy games on Steam now. I constantly ask the question: “But if this game comes to Switch?” It’s a lifestyle that’s nearly unsustainable – but I’ve learned to cope.
After much counselling and medication, I have learned to control my Post-Switch Port Removal Depression. Limbo, Inside, RE4 and Guacamelee will be forever stained in my memory, but I will live, just barely. So long as Nintendo doesn’t announce any significant ports that I’ve already played, I should be just fi-…
Kill me now.
I’m that crying kid in the corner of gym class. Hi!
oh, I guess I also write about video games – mostly Nintendo.
You can check out my personal site at ethangbraun.com, and contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org